Statistics yuh statistics yuh
Oh to see without my eyes
The Bagel Shop
My eyes curiously scan the bagel shop and land on the bacon and egg bagel on the menu. Just staring at the ingredient list makes my mouth salivate until I nearly choke to death on my own saliva. My feet slowly shuffle in the direction of the counter. “What can I get for you today?”, the lady working at the counter asks. “1 bacon and egg bagel please”, I reply with a shy smile. After the lady scribbles down my order on a notepad I go and sit down at a small table for two at the corner of the bagel shop, seeing as there aren’t any for one. “Salut”, a sexy, velvety voice purrs behind my ear. I quickly look up to see Timothee Chalamet kindly smiling at me with none other than a bacon and egg bagel in his hand. “Jem maple bacon and egg bagel!”, I say. His perfect, thick brows knit together in confusion. “Sorry I am a bit rusty with my French”, I explain. “I think your French is exceptional”, he responds with yet another beautiful smile. “Do you mind if I eat with you, bacon and egg bagels are my favourite”, he adds. “Mine too”, I manage to mouth. After a few seconds of silence I open my jaws as wide as they can go and take a humongous bite of my gourmet bagel. Eggs and bacon saturated in fat and oil smear all over the corners of my mouth. Timothee looks up at me and starts laughing out loud, but he has a mouthful of bagel in his gorgeous mouth. Coughing and choking erupts out of him and he keels over and falls to the ground in a heap. “Timothee is your bagel off?”, I ask in a panicky voice. His rich eyes meet mine and lock there for a second.Then he gasps for air and stops breathing. My heart stops. Because he was my heart.
French Cafe
I cruise into a French cafe as rain splatters down on me, drenching my very fashionable attire. As I reach the counter, my eyes look up into the most exquisite amber pearls, with specks of olive green. “Bonjour, Je’maple Timothée Chalamet”, he smiles. “Salut”, I say with a wink. After ordering a bone apple teeth I go and sit at a small table which only seats two. Then I open ‘Call Me By My Name’ and flip through to the chapter I am up to. A few minutes later Timothée walks over with a bone, a side of apple and some tooth sauce for me. “Here’s your order” he says. “Thank you”, I reply and a smile creeps onto my face as I dig into my delicious food. But as I take a big chomp of the la bone all my teeth shatter and fall out. “Oh no, are you okay?”, Timothée asks. “E, I don't know what happened”, I grin back except all he sees are my gums. “Ooooooh you look so sexy, I have an obsessive gum fettish”, Timothée says. “Danks Timotay”. We embrace and I passionately kiss his face all over until I let go and scream out my lungs. He is a puppet. And the person making his face move is Annabelle. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.” Annabelle eats me whole. “Delicious”.
Here lies a sacred photograph of our one true King, Timothée Puppet Chalamet. Long live the King.
The Easter Show
“Do you want to ride on me?”, I smile at him cheerfully. Timothée's brow knits in confusion as I realise what I just said. “Oh sorry that came out wrong, what ride do you want to go on first?” I ask. He grins as he replies “You chose.” My head spins around, looking at all the brightly lit up rides. “The scream machine is my favourite”, I say, pulling him by his very warm and strong hand towards it. The man at the front of the ride asks for our tickets. “I got this”, Timothée smirks and says “get the fuck away” in his beautifully pronounced French. Instantly the man lets us aside so we can get seated together on the ride. “Are you scared?”, Timothée asks, looking at my green face. “Not at all, and I don’t get the slightest motion sickness.” We gaze into each other's eyes for what feels like forever, until the ride jerks into action. I feel my body moving up and down, as the ride gathers speed quickly. Suddenly my spag bol from earlier makes its way up my oesophagus and I vomit all over his shirt. “Oops I lied”, I laugh and he laughs even louder. So loud my ears nearly bleed but his voice is like velvet so it doesn’t matter. While I’m still laughing, Timothée looks down. “Ruby why aren’t I wearing my harness?” he gasps. “Because I took it off so you could breathe”, I say affectionately. “But-”, Timothée starts but before he can finish his sentence he is flung off the ride 50 meters into the air. I stare up at him in awe. Even with vomit splattered over his ‘Call Me By Your Name’ merch he looks angelic. “Timothée what are you doing up there you silly goose”, I call up as the ride still moves my body around vigorously. But before he can answer gravity brings Timothee crashing back to the ground. When he hits the ground blood spurts everywhere and his brain hangs out of his head. “You’re so clumsy”, I chuckle to myself waiting for him to hop back on the ride. But he never does.
